The Acceptable Version of My Mom

            

                   Mutti II

                         I’m here for you.  I will…

love you,

care for you,

respect you,

admire you,

help you,

understand you,

listen to you,

guide you,

                                   and basically do all the

                         things I should have done before.

             J
My mom died in November, 2012. I hadn't seen her in a decade. A few years before her death I found a miniature doll that looked like her and outfitted her quasi-doppelganger with a t-shirt bearing the above image and words. The reason for the doll was to have some type of motherly figure that finally (symbolically) gave me what I had needed, and also showed what I lacked during my formative years. 

She always thought she provided these things. She was deluded. Even when there was evidence of her doling out something of value it was quickly nullified by another act of neglect. She gave me life and then promptly forgot her world was now enhanced by another being with needs. Her own selfish ones still seemed to rule her behaviors.

It took many years, many tears and an awful lot of hard work and struggle to get through what went wrong in my childhood. But in the end, I knew I was on the right track of my life despite how I grew up; I had gotten through it and was even thriving in my adulthood. The big fissures in my psyche had grown together, almost healed. Her death actually helped provide the rest of the closure, the cracks disappeared. Welcome to my complete recovery from not-so-hot parenting. 

Maybe she was a brilliant mother after all?

One Life: It's Worth Living Fully

I only needed to be born once to appreciate that life only has meaning if you really live it.

Take on the new experiences that come your way and forcefully engage with them all. Make meaningful decisions and take the necessary risks to escalate your safe zone into an arena which will stretch your talents to new heights and levels of understanding. Get the zest out of the unknown to add more flavor to your life. Breathe in challenge and experience satisfaction and victories you might not have known otherwise.

Stay focused, engage with enthusiasm, be positive and don't ever shake off the well-being you have given yourself. When you said yes to life, you gave yourself permission to be in control of what you put out into the world. Your desire for pleasure and substance created the mixture you are now immersed in; the tonic called 'living your life to the fullest!'

And may you always drink heavily from that cup.

Novaturient - Be New, Be Improved

Real change begins to show in and around us when we thoroughly embrace a willingness to see it develop. Pain frequently precedes

 that change, being the 

catalyst for good.

Post Un-Intention

AMindDivided.com

Your actions were unintentional...

they hurt anyway.

You said you would never do this intentionally,

That would make you a monster.

Your integrity was lacking, just like your apology.

My will is lacking now, and my disappointment is immense.

Your unintentionally created abyss is deep.

I don't know if we'll survive the fall.

You're looking up for redemption,

I'm looking down deeper into the hole where you left me.

You say you'll do anything,

Then do the right things... intentionally.

Eventually There Are No More

"Life is a never ending to do list."

Susi Bocks

It really is. Even for those who aren't list makers like me, we all have daily tasks and they will not end until people physically expire. Showering, dragging a toothbrush across your teeth (hopefully more than once in your life), eating and eliminating; all of it must be done. If you are not doing at least these things, you aren't living or at the very least you're not very hygienic.

I like having lists to follow. It feels like the end of the day is a good one when every item I entered on my calendar and in my notes has been completed. Most people don't get that same satisfaction, but it still is true that life really is a list of its own; one for you to accomplish as many things as you can before you go.

My wish for you is that you fill your lists with many worthwhile events to experience along with the monotonous ones. Make those exciting ones your priority and I'm guessing you'll slide into the end zone of your life with a big smile on your face instead of just awaiting its eventual approach.

We'll Get There

"Creating beautiful movements is often quite a clunky journey. 

You have to be very open and honest with the other person."

The Australian Ballet

Reminds me of emotional relationships. They also require going through some awkward stages in order to perfect a beautiful solidarity, along with riveting and endearing moments. It is all only achieved through openness and honesty.

The Unease In The Loud... The Calm in The Quiet

Quiet, requesting quiet   

Not always achieving it.

Distractions...

... repetitive thoughts
... loud, angry, ignorant and stupid voices intruding on my space
... heavy machinery pounding, scraping, banging
... dealing with... any and all problems that come my way
... cars honking, people shouting, children screeching
... hectic ambulances hurrying by, police sirens blazing loudly

All I want is tranquility... peace... and quiet.

Shutting it all out now, opening up into another realm of consciousness...

Intentionally, purposefully and driven to achieve a deep level of down-time for my sanity.

The focus on serenity, on relaxation, listening to the whispers of quieting nature takes me there.

Welcome back all the pieces of me strewn about, put back whole inside of me now.

The soothing quiet lifts me buoyantly and gracefully to a place of gentle stability... mind and body connecting once again. Unease replaced by the calm in the quiet... strength restored.

Aaaahhhhhh