Thanks for...

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These are memories that cropped up not only today, but have throughout my year. They remind me I have experienced many moments in life I'm grateful for. Some of you will recognize yourselves as the contributor to my happiness, others who gave me pain. I say these things with cheer, with love, with irony, with sarcasm and with pain. Because that's what life is full of and what we all experience.

To you who shaped my life, thanks for...

• that time when you pulled me into sunlight to give me warmth.
• leaving me in the dark to find my own way.
• lovingly looking up at me and melting my heart.
• cutting the cord gently.
• telling me you loved me when it hadn't come easy to do so for years.
• never giving me the love I deserved.
• having my back in difficult situations.
• teaching me to fend for myself.
• those moments with you when I laughed until I couldn't breathe.
• those moments about you when I cried until I couldn't breathe.
• letting me heal when I was hurt.
• watching me bleed.
• coming back full force into my life.
• making an exit I never saw coming.
• the thousands of hugs and kisses I've had over my lifetime.
• the distance between us.
• dance sessions that seemed to last forever.
• long naps with big arms and warm blankets.
• saving my sorry ass from financial ruin.
• just taking, and taking, and taking from me.
• teaching me how to love well and openly.
• showing me how 'your love' will just hurt.
• appreciating me.
• taking advantage of me.
• digging into my aching muscles.
• for being the one who creates the tightness.
• out of the blue sending me a private message the day I needed comfort and support.
• publicly calling me out to tear me down just a little bit more.
• spending your time with me, teaching me your wisdom.
• contributing absolutely nothing.
• gifting me with a love for learning.
• those moments you ingested nothing.
• ease of our relationship.
• the hard-knock life.
• helping me achieve the level of comfort I enjoy today.
• those with their accessorized lifestyles who look down on everyone else beneath them.
• lifting me up with kind words.
• shutting me down with your hatred.
• being honest with me, always.
• lying to me on more occasions than I can count.
• the intelligent, passionate and spirited debates we've had.
• closing your mind to finding truth and reality.
• your good nature and naivete.
• your bigoted willful ignorance.
• introducing yourself and sharing your story with me.
• hiding who you are from the world.
• teaching me how to snark, and to cull the bullshit from the truth.
• the biting comments intended to hurt.
• your smile that's meant for only me.
• the attitude when it's not warranted.
• long lunches and good conversation.
• always saying 'let's get together' and then... nothing.
• telling me you love who I am and what I'm about.
• tearing me down when you don't even know me. 
• giving me life.
• not preparing me for it.

This list is incomplete, there are millions more emotions, life experiences and moments I've captured in my head. These are just a few that have somewhat influenced me and what I've become.

Life Burns

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The cycle of bad started September 2012 when I was diagnosed with heart disease and received three stents to curtail suffering some immediate problems with this most precious organ, my heart. Since that time, multiple situations have arisen for me, life-altering and at times mind-numbing. I've gotten gently, but also harshly reminded that life sucks with what feels like some superficial first degree burns all the way to those deeply debilitating and scarring third degree ones. Throughout all those moments, I have hoped what I have shown the world is a mature acceptance that bad shit happens to us all, and that I have the resolve and the courage to continue through the struggle. At least, I tell myself that I am strong, and I will go on in spite of what is happening to me or around me. And with each occasion I prove that, I am doing it. But I'm getting worn out. 

In addition to the daily grind kind of frustration we can encounter, the last two years have dealt me having to go through the death of both my parents (and not easy deaths either, both were taken off life-support), a betrayal by a family friend, loss of my husband's job, a new business start-up and quick demise thereof, financial losses due to a failed business, dysfunctional family issues that border on chronic, a community that rejects this loud-mouth, the one year + it took me to be offered a job, friendships lost, a seemingly endless string of betrayals in personal situations and the emotional upheavals that inevitably accompany these situations; all this damaging my psyche to the point of disturbing my peace and equilibrium... well, I really want to have a respite. And more than just a few months before the next crisis hits. I think I really need a long string of good fortune and calm.

I can't help thinking what happens when the next big bad thing happens to me. My reserves are too low to withstand much more. Or will this be the one that does me in, be the sixth degree burn? How much more does life want to keep dumping on me? 

Enter the pitiful feeling of defeat and woe is me display of emotion.

Slapping myself into a pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep moving attitude now... and I go on.

Just like the scale of degrees, recovery occurs better when the burn is less severe. Let's hope the fire isn't too out of control next time.

Life Well Spent

At the end of the day, I want to be exhausted by the best life can offer me, not the worst it will throw my way.

Aiming for maximum pleasure while diligently eliminating extended frustration.

It's a daily goal, and one I will gladly work very hard at achieving.

Image credit - HenryJenkins.org

Longing For The Past

Uninvited days past appear at the door of my present.

They push inside to fill the heaviness in the room. A smile begins to form across my weary face. 

Uninhibited laughter, passionate entanglements, mundane and easy tasks; all flickering a pretty picture.

Actively watching the gloriously faded memories now vividly replaying in my mind.

But the door closes eventually, and I'm again fully toiling in the sorrow 

which summoned another life.

Tears, uninvited, fall silently. The wetness glazes over the joy. Images from a previous time return for safe-keeping until my mind summons them... yet again.

Image Credit: Zhong Yang Huang - Joy and sorrow

Beautiful Pain

"Pain is what creates my music."  Pink

I'm a big fan of the creative genius that flows out from her mind. She's talented, open, free, loud, intelligent and so human. Her pain translates the intricacies of human nature; shows us our own flaws in her experience and offers up the solutions for peace. Thank you, Pink!

Eternal Life Exists, Always Has

I really won't ever die. I can't. Life doesn't die, it just changes how it presents itself.

My beginning, my current state and my future began in a past I've never experienced. I give thanks to where I came from, contributing valuable pieces of me to my present and determining what I will become as time continues to pass. The compilation called me, the fabric of my being - even when that life expires, goes on to exist in a different form of life.

So I'm here now, I always have been and I will continue to exist. Elements of what and who I am/was/will be, live on and on, now and forever, in an infinite number of versions of me. I am life and I am eternal.

Lover, Are You Listening?

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I don't want someone who adores me. Or puts me on a pedestal, and claims they can't live without me. 

What I crave and what I need is someone who knows themselves or, at the very least, is trying to figure out what makes them tick. If they seek to create a relationship outside of themselves, it only enhances their persona; it doesn't define who they are.

If I go down that path of bringing someone into my world, I desire people who first want to know me and then take the time to actually do that. When that someone eventually understands my thought process, a strong bond ensues as my intellect and my body are piqued in arousal, demanding fulfillment and satisfaction. Complete abandon occurs when their humanity matches my own.