Sanity Lost

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Life was for the taking, you bit off less than you could have. Fear kept you trapped. Your journey was one of soothing, but numbing and boring repetition. Reaching out for new experiences, challenging that fear was impossible. Only mere moments captured some excitement, quelling and satisfying your deep yearning for more life.

It wasn't enough. You left this world unfulfilled.

I weep for you.

I Lose, I Triumph

Dark by Tithi Luadthong

I'm going to live a better, happier life than you deemed I was ever worthy of. Every time my name comes up I hope you choke on it with irritation. That's what you deserve, a life long aversion to the utterance of what once so easily came off your lips. I hope it makes your body fill with pins and needles whose friction tears you up on the inside. You, the creator of your own destruction. I walk away easily knowing you'll bleed from the inside. I am better without you.

You're Always Here With Me

There's an ease in our relationship, a rich comfort even when our lives don't intersect. I've forgotten some of the history we've shared, but your impression on me has never diminished.

The essence of our relationship is and always has been encouragement whether near or far, involved or silent. We forged a bond a lifetime ago by being each other's heroes. Through our friendship, our experience of finding stability within each other gave us some peace from the turmoil we lived. The acceptance we found with each other for our individual personhood was something we both desperately needed; it was the first bit of strength we gave to each other. We added on to that foundation separately throughout our lifetime experiences to become the women we are today. Whole... finally, proud of who we are, living and enjoying the good things life has to offer, loving the people who deserve our love and fully enjoying who we are now.

I'd not realized until recently how much of an impact our childhood friendship had on me, and actually how much we mentored each other through those times. It was valuable to me.

We've discarded the broken shells we were a lifetime ago, and gone through some incredible situations since then but have not stopped showing life we're not going down without a fight.

I so do appreciate you sharing that part of you that I carry around with me always.

I thought you should know that. 

Thanks for...

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These are memories that cropped up not only today, but have throughout my year. They remind me I have experienced many moments in life I'm grateful for. Some of you will recognize yourselves as the contributor to my happiness, others who gave me pain. I say these things with cheer, with love, with irony, with sarcasm and with pain. Because that's what life is full of and what we all experience.

To you who shaped my life, thanks for...

• that time when you pulled me into sunlight to give me warmth.
• leaving me in the dark to find my own way.
• lovingly looking up at me and melting my heart.
• cutting the cord gently.
• telling me you loved me when it hadn't come easy to do so for years.
• never giving me the love I deserved.
• having my back in difficult situations.
• teaching me to fend for myself.
• those moments with you when I laughed until I couldn't breathe.
• those moments about you when I cried until I couldn't breathe.
• letting me heal when I was hurt.
• watching me bleed.
• coming back full force into my life.
• making an exit I never saw coming.
• the thousands of hugs and kisses I've had over my lifetime.
• the distance between us.
• dance sessions that seemed to last forever.
• long naps with big arms and warm blankets.
• saving my sorry ass from financial ruin.
• just taking, and taking, and taking from me.
• teaching me how to love well and openly.
• showing me how 'your love' will just hurt.
• appreciating me.
• taking advantage of me.
• digging into my aching muscles.
• for being the one who creates the tightness.
• out of the blue sending me a private message the day I needed comfort and support.
• publicly calling me out to tear me down just a little bit more.
• spending your time with me, teaching me your wisdom.
• contributing absolutely nothing.
• gifting me with a love for learning.
• those moments you ingested nothing.
• ease of our relationship.
• the hard-knock life.
• helping me achieve the level of comfort I enjoy today.
• those with their accessorized lifestyles who look down on everyone else beneath them.
• lifting me up with kind words.
• shutting me down with your hatred.
• being honest with me, always.
• lying to me on more occasions than I can count.
• the intelligent, passionate and spirited debates we've had.
• closing your mind to finding truth and reality.
• your good nature and naivete.
• your bigoted willful ignorance.
• introducing yourself and sharing your story with me.
• hiding who you are from the world.
• teaching me how to snark, and to cull the bullshit from the truth.
• the biting comments intended to hurt.
• your smile that's meant for only me.
• the attitude when it's not warranted.
• long lunches and good conversation.
• always saying 'let's get together' and then... nothing.
• telling me you love who I am and what I'm about.
• tearing me down when you don't even know me. 
• giving me life.
• not preparing me for it.

This list is incomplete, there are millions more emotions, life experiences and moments I've captured in my head. These are just a few that have somewhat influenced me and what I've become.

Life Burns

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The cycle of bad started September 2012 when I was diagnosed with heart disease and received three stents to curtail suffering some immediate problems with this most precious organ, my heart. Since that time, multiple situations have arisen for me, life-altering and at times mind-numbing. I've gotten gently, but also harshly reminded that life sucks with what feels like some superficial first degree burns all the way to those deeply debilitating and scarring third degree ones. Throughout all those moments, I have hoped what I have shown the world is a mature acceptance that bad shit happens to us all, and that I have the resolve and the courage to continue through the struggle. At least, I tell myself that I am strong, and I will go on in spite of what is happening to me or around me. And with each occasion I prove that, I am doing it. But I'm getting worn out. 

In addition to the daily grind kind of frustration we can encounter, the last two years have dealt me having to go through the death of both my parents (and not easy deaths either, both were taken off life-support), a betrayal by a family friend, loss of my husband's job, a new business start-up and quick demise thereof, financial losses due to a failed business, dysfunctional family issues that border on chronic, a community that rejects this loud-mouth, the one year + it took me to be offered a job, friendships lost, a seemingly endless string of betrayals in personal situations and the emotional upheavals that inevitably accompany these situations; all this damaging my psyche to the point of disturbing my peace and equilibrium... well, I really want to have a respite. And more than just a few months before the next crisis hits. I think I really need a long string of good fortune and calm.

I can't help thinking what happens when the next big bad thing happens to me. My reserves are too low to withstand much more. Or will this be the one that does me in, be the sixth degree burn? How much more does life want to keep dumping on me? 

Enter the pitiful feeling of defeat and woe is me display of emotion.

Slapping myself into a pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep moving attitude now... and I go on.

Just like the scale of degrees, recovery occurs better when the burn is less severe. Let's hope the fire isn't too out of control next time.

Life Well Spent

At the end of the day, I want to be exhausted by the best life can offer me, not the worst it will throw my way.

Aiming for maximum pleasure while diligently eliminating extended frustration.

It's a daily goal, and one I will gladly work very hard at achieving.

Image credit - HenryJenkins.org

Longing For The Past

Uninvited days past appear at the door of my present.

They push inside to fill the heaviness in the room. A smile begins to form across my weary face. 

Uninhibited laughter, passionate entanglements, mundane and easy tasks; all flickering a pretty picture.

Actively watching the gloriously faded memories now vividly replaying in my mind.

But the door closes eventually, and I'm again fully toiling in the sorrow 

which summoned another life.

Tears, uninvited, fall silently. The wetness glazes over the joy. Images from a previous time return for safe-keeping until my mind summons them... yet again.

Image Credit: Zhong Yang Huang - Joy and sorrow