In That Moment

Deonna Sayed

One wants to hold on to the sometimes elusive quality-filled emotions we experience. We know they feel like they will continue on forever. But they don't.

In that moment, it all feels right, smooth. All the jagged edges and kinks of your day have ironed out leaving you feeling silky and slinky all at the same time. You are feeling good, you are content, and you are wholly joy and happiness. It's as if this moment is the best moment you could ever experience.

Eventually, another moment comes along making you steer in a different direction all together. Someone has pissed on your parade, asked a stupid question, made you mad or any number of things that distract from that warm, content moment in time. It felt so brief, and almost not real anymore.

The next moment might take you right back to where you want to stay, or not. And that too glides into another moment. Maybe one of you being where you don't want to be, again. It feels like a chase to experience the next good moment, only to realize that we can't ever really hold on to it tight enough. It goes away.

But maybe it will come back again. Hopefully.

Existence Is Not Enough For A Conscious Mind

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Yes... do survive, please. We want you here for a long time. Do whatever it takes to make it through to a ripe old age, but be sure to fill it with the stuff dreams are made of.

Your happiness depends on it. Really live through and revel in your relationships, your community, your job, and most importantly, your desires.

Showing The World Me

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The world sees what I show them. What they see is their guide. But...

I'm crying on the inside... I'm dying. My face tells another story, one the world around me will accept. They won't have to coddle, fix, help heal or just love; they wouldn't want to. It's better this way, it's what I tell myself.

Cracking the exterior. Letting the reality out, watching the ooze of ill project upwards and letting it fill the air. It's scary, it's shame-filled and guilt-ridden. 

I imagine I'm exposed, people wouldn't understand. They wouldn't care, they wouldn't help. Belittling would occur, anger would present itself, I'm scared. I stop and go further in, deeper where it's safe. Right, again I lie to myself.

My despair deepens, the picture perfect is no longer untarnished. Moistened eyes remove the warm glow of feigned happiness. Deep dimples erased as frowns commandeer the territory of the face, tears creating a river following their natural path. And it doesn't seem to want to end. The flood gates have opened, I can't contain them any longer. I have to purge. I feel sick, I feel unable to control myself anymore. But it's necessary.

I was wrong, there are those who comfort me. They shield me while I let go of the hurt, the anger, the frustration. They hold me until it's all OK again. I'm back in the world that sustains me, my focus is clearer, my strength restored. 

My real friends surround me, I can go back and take on the world. 

Camouflage not necessary... anymore.

I'll Go On Without You

               

I DID

Calm Awaits

Life happens to us, mostly; entanglement requiring our effort happens when we feel driven to accomplish whatever goal, end result or need that comes up. I'd like to think I have life happen to me and give it the appropriate response. I see so many who would choose to deflect or ignore.

That's dangerous.

Responding to life, situations, people, whatever.... it's important. Many don't think so or they are afraid. Too much thinking, too much involvement, too much drama... they only believe it will end badly thereby relinquishing their contribution to solving it. Bullshit.

Ignoring, deflecting... that's the dangerous part.

Many times we don't address what happens to us individually because either life happens and we're overwhelmed or we've put something out there that comes back to us to attend to and we're afraid of the consequences. It's because we think it creates drama and more problems. But we must fix, address or take care of seeing that it receives a resolution. Otherwise, it will continue to rear its head, begging for closure.

Go there, do it... end it. Calm awaits.

Sanity Lost

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Life was for the taking, you bit off less than you could have. Fear kept you trapped. Your journey was one of soothing, but numbing and boring repetition. Reaching out for new experiences, challenging that fear was impossible. Only mere moments captured some excitement, quelling and satisfying your deep yearning for more life.

It wasn't enough. You left this world unfulfilled.

I weep for you.

I Lose, I Triumph

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I'm going to live a better, happier life than you deemed I was ever worthy of. Every time my name comes up I hope you choke on it with irritation. That's what you deserve, a life long aversion to the utterance of what once so easily came off your lips. I hope it makes your body fill with pins and needles whose friction tears you up on the inside. You, the creator of your own destruction. I walk away easily knowing you'll bleed from the inside. I am better without you.