Sunday, August 31, 2014

Life Burns

The cycle of bad started September 2012 when I was diagnosed with heart disease and received three stents to curtail suffering some immediate problems with this most precious organ, my heart. Since that time, multiple situations have arisen for me, life-altering and at times mind-numbing. I've gotten gently, but also harshly reminded that life sucks with what feels like some superficial first degree burns all the way to those deeply debilitating and scarring third degree ones. Throughout all those moments, I have hoped what I have shown the world is a mature acceptance that bad shit happens to us all, and that I have the resolve and the courage to continue through the struggle. At least, I tell myself that I am strong, and I will go on in spite of what is happening to me or around me. And with each occasion I prove that, I am doing it. But I'm getting worn out. 

In addition to the daily grind kind of frustration we can encounter, the last two years have dealt me having to go through the death of both my parents (and not easy deaths either, both were taken off life-support), a betrayal by a family friend, loss of my husband's job, a new business start-up and quick demise thereof, financial losses due to a failed business, dysfunctional family issues that border on chronic, a community that rejects this loud-mouth, the one year + it took me to be offered a job, friendships lost, a seemingly endless string of betrayals in personal situations and the emotional upheavals that inevitably accompany these situations; all this damaging my psyche to the point of disturbing my peace and equilibrium... well, I really want to have a respite. And more than just a few months before the next crisis hits. I think I really need a long string of good fortune and calm.

I can't help thinking what happens when the next big bad thing happens to me. My reserves are too low to withstand much more. Or will this be the one that does me in, be the sixth degree burn? How much more does life want to keep dumping on me? 

Enter the pitiful feeling of defeat and woe is me display of emotion.

Slapping myself into a pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep moving attitude now... and I go on.

Just like the scale of degrees, recovery occurs better when the burn is less severe. Let's hope the fire isn't too out of control next time.