When I look in the mirror now, I see the beauty within and on the surface of the creation which was initially out of my hands.
It wasn't always that way.
"You're so fat." "Can't you be smarter?" "Just stop, I'll do it. You're doing it wrong!" "You're not good enough!" "Why can't you do better?" "Only angry people are crazy!" "No one will want to date you." "You're so stupid!" "Can't you do anything right?"
The words were repeated often enough and fell easily into my psyche, stuck there for a long time.
I never realized when I was younger it was a sick and twisted game initiated by someone who was supposed to just love me. I didn't know how to maneuver a win against someone I looked up to. The person who made me feel low and afraid to achieve had an agenda which my tender years didn't understand. I was competition, and it elevated her every time any one of those statements were uttered. She, being the winner every time. Me, the loser.
Or so I thought.
Today I'm filled with confidence in my being, a fierce determination to exist exactly the way I want to be, have an appreciation for myself which was non-existent before, and hold the strong position that I am just right. My body image was extremely poor and to this day I don't think I see what others do, but I'm probably three-quarters of the way there to loving my body exactly as it is.
I don't need to compete with the ghost anymore. Who I am and how I look was already winning.
The one which makes you forget about the previous moments, and wish your future would never arrive. Meaning comes from staying suspended in what feels like an eternal envelopment of being left breathless and out of control, but your body is on automatic. It's an intuitive knowing of what comes next.