I Crossed Into Darkness

Grief, sadness, anger, confusion - I drowned in it.
Adrenaline got me through.

Exhaustion and the after-effects of tragedy leave me numb.

My eyes are less wet now.
Thankfully not the torrents of before.

Overcoming the emotions crosses my mind. Likely not for some time.

I'm seeing the spectrum of human response being split off in ten thousand conversations.
More grief, sadness, anger, and confusion.

We all think we have the answers to all the whys and what-ifs, we don't; we just have more questions.

Chase one thought, a multitude more pop up to reflect on.

Mentally being banged up against a cerebral shoreline over and over again.
Each crash is opening a new wound.

It's draining, and it's dark.

Eventually, it will cease to have the hold on me but it doesn't change the fact my life feels less bright.

Addled Mind

Your inability to be clear in your understanding of anything

 is directly related to the quality of thinking. 

Kind of like when your camera doesn't take crisp images. 

It's because it's a crappy camera.

Susi Bocks

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

"But I really do love myself!"

Sure you do. I hear that all the time. But I don't see very much of that self-love.

And it's a hard thing to do. I know. It took me many

 years to embrace myself lovingly.

Don't deny yourself the things which make you happy.

Do enjoy all that gives you pleasure and joy.

Don't let other's opinions hold you back from realizing your full potential.

Do find activities which contribute to your health and sanity.

Don't actively sabotage yourself and your happiness.

Do foster relationships with people who honor you.

Don't engage in things that harm you or your well-being.

Do follow through on your dreams.

I  Love You... Please Love Yourself

Beautiful Rollercoaster

liveluvcreate.com

Life - human or any other form - is in constant motion with opposing forces.

The experiences can start slow then escalate to fast,

 or proceed in the exact opposite direction.

Climbing to great heights, only to careen downward quickly; 

full on expecting it, and generally not.

Twists and turns are had, always.

Feeling the physical ravages of the forces life has to offer;

sometimes we can't recover from them.

But the joy and the excitement of every experience gives the rider

moments of anticipation that are like nothing else.

It's beauty in motion...

Exquisite pain in the extremes.

*Thank you for the inspiration Kyle Wheeler

I Got You

"If love is knowing and accepting someone for who they truly are, and feeling

 the same in return, this is as visceral and connecting as it gets."

Julie Lynn

We're on the same page. I accept you as you accept me.

We're together.

I'm safe... so are you.

Life will not tear me down as long as I choose to protect you and me. 

I hope that means forever...

Life Is Deaf

heyjuana.tumblr.com

Crying out in an I Don't Care World. Your answer is silence. Crickets...
It doesn't pay attention, life just continues on.

Understand that. Know it. Try not to feel hurt by it. Keep moving... one foot in front of the other.

Strength can come again. Just let it. Don't let the indifference of life determine if you'll accept it.

Keep speaking despite the obvious disability of life. The beauty is when you hear the truth you need.

In reality, you never really needed life to be the teacher. You just needed to be the willing student.

Shattering The Hold

Intensity laced with lunacy... it's seductively subliminal.

Past hurt swept away by the look masquerading as deeply in love... it's not love.

It's danger.

And it easily has you... if you are not careful.

The fiery element of psychological warfare playing out in the depths of your mind.

Don't be deceived by the charm of the snakes, the force of the demanding ones

or by the egos of those where clever observation never occurs.

They will hurt you. Maybe not right away, but they will.

The scars of learning are deep, and never healing.

See it before it gets a hold of you.

Don't Waste Your Time

viralsolutions.net

It's a struggle to define the concept of life, but imagine it's another word for time.

Contentment is not just accepting.

Acceptance is settling for things you didn't achieve.

Achieving creates happiness.

Happiness is living your life in your way.

If fully engaged in living life, that's action. You are not simply watching time go by. But you must decide if you are going to connect to who you really are. And especially, what you really want.

Life exists with you in it or not; every minute continuing to go by.

Your time is precious. Really.

In other words, YOU are precious; your LIFE is precious. Really.

Never Really Knew You

Shutterstock.com

You're a mystery to me, then and still.

I remember you, but I don't know you. Our interactions were few, my memories of you even less.

You were meant to be an important part in my life. It was what you chose to be. But that didn't translate. I was alone, without you being by my side or having my back.

The space you occupied you didn't share. Why? Did you just want to remain anonymous? Maybe revealing would have been too painful. Remaining secluded in your own private world where you felt safe was better for you.

I wanted to know you. But somehow I failed. No. You failed me.

I only got to see the outside you presented to the world. Was there more going on or really nothing at all? I wouldn't know. You didn't share yourself with me. I should have been one of the most important people to do that with. Didn't you like me or did you just not know how?

So many questions...

Did you achieve your goals? Were you satisfied with your life at all and especially at the end? I didn't know then or now. You were so quiet and not revealing of yourself.

Years you were in my life, and I didn't know you. Now you're dead to me.

There's no hope of ever knowing the real you now.

Such a waste of precious moments that were shared with you. They could have been spent on other people who wanted to foist their humanity into my space willingly and with good intention.

You don't feel like a loss because I never had you... really, ever.

How Days Do Me

Right now? Life interjects constantly.

Write now? Not near as often as I'd like.

The Way To Love

The Paper Wall

Love soothes, but only with genuine empathy.

                    Don't remove my struggle from my control.

                              Let me gain the knowledge I need to grow.

                                        Be by my side, watch me heal.

                                                  See the places where it takes me.

Love doesn't fix things. It just eases the conflict. 

                    Don't be the answer to my problems, my wannabe protector.

                              Be my companion on my own personal journey. 

                                        Enjoy my company, enhance my experience,

                                                  and inspire me by the path you take.

Love doesn't happen in a vacuum. It needs you and me, together.

                    Free from distrust, anxiety, worry, anger, and shame.

                              It's a warm place, filled with comfort and ease.

                                        It's a space where wholeness resides.

                                                  Our happy place, created together. 

                                                         

Love feels easy, but people are hard. They're complicated and stupid.

                    Don't sabotage a good thing, intentionally or unintentionally.

                              Remember I'm who you love; you know why you do.

                                        Fill any distance with kindness and care.

                                                  Especially those times when you're sad.

Love always wants more quality-rich lingering moments of sweetness.

                    Any effort on your part to provide them is cherished.

                              Your reward is acquiescence to almost anything.

                                        Comfort and pleasure is had by the both of us.

                                                  Don't hold back. Give me what I crave.

Love is required. And love is needed.                         

On Feeling After Always

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It's an intense rush. Feeling pleasure only, the world falling away from under you. It's like being displaced to another dimension. One so exquisite you'd care to stay forever, but the sheer force of ecstasy threatens to exhaust you into annihilation if you dared. You ride the waves until they are only small ripples of pleasure.

After is the calm bliss. The aftermath of the beautiful storm. No tension, no anxiety. Just an easy space your body and your mind relaxes into. It's a place of peace and serenity. Clarity comes easy, and without the baggage of hectic. The engaged in the day-to-day mind is on hold, erased from your existence for a short time. You flourish in a liquid feel of comfort and ease. An intentional personal escape from reality.

Oh, to be in the After state of mind every minute of every day! Who wouldn't want to have an existence of pure bliss? Utterly at peace in your mind and in your being. What life interjects would no longer be an issue because your response is one of not being affected... by any of it. Your inner peace rules how life is perceived.

If there is a utopia, I imagine it would look and feel just like that.

test.e-sante.fr

My Own Creation

Not buying into the construct of societal norms anymore.
                               They don't make you happy.

Going to be the creative genius of my own definition.
                                I'll be the designer of my destiny.

I will decide what looks normal in my world.
                                Being tired and dissatisfied is not normal.

My passions are my guide and my inspiration.
                                I will live and leave life feeling satiated and happy.

I am deciding who I am and what I will offer this world.
                                My only purpose is to grace this existence by living fully.

Feeling So Many Different Directions Today

Artist Unknown

The day began like any other; the sunlight woke me up. I smiled really big.

Then I remembered I forgot it was supposed to be a very special day.

One filled with laughter, joy and a reverence for love... the usual for a day belonging only to us. But instead the hours flowed from one chore into the next accompanied by intense feelings which were both distant and reflective. There were tears too.

But it wasn't all bad. I daresay even uplifting. Good friends reminded me that I was special and deserving of their love. That was cause for happy tears.

I've heard it said that shopping solves nothing. This trip did though. Tonight it will be a comfort to me in so many ways. Let's hope it carries me through until the days are filled with less what ifs.

I cherish the special people making this day feel lighter. You helped, and I thank you for that.

And to those who made this day normal-seeming, I owe you a debt of gratitude as well. I got through it with less damage.

Tomorrow will begin again like any other day. And I'll smile really big again.

Hopefully, my feelings will stay the course.

I Belong To Me

"I'm not yours... I'm mine."

Susi Bocks

I Won't Tell You "I Told You So"

*deep sorrowful sigh

I'm sorry. So, so sorry. 

I didn't succeed in saving you from your fate.

You're broken now. The trust is gone, and so are your reserves. Your faith in love is shattered. It seems utterly unbelievable to have made it to this place of darkness. But you're here now... and I'm hurting with you, dearest.

Oh pain, please just go away! Leave him alone. The agony is too much for tender shoulders to bear. Ease up... I beg you.

You'll get through this, people say. It doesn't feel like that when you're in the thick of it though. But know this... I'm here till the tears stop rolling, the deep ache subsides and the reality of moving on alone becomes easier to accept. Whatever you need, love... I promise.

I'm here for you. Always.

Elusive Bliss

www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/

"One is too many, and too many is never enough."
Susi Bocks

The angst falls away as soon as your drink of choice enters your bloodstream. What was once edgy is now smooth. You can take standing in this zone with a renewed sense of confidence. 

Until it begins to fade.

Time for the next drink, and the next, and the next...

Needing to feel at ease, wanting the pain to stop. That first drink takes you there, and the rest give you a false sense that everything will be fine. It's an endless cycle of feeling good and feeling like shit; being in hell is the outcome.

That's the roller coaster named Elusive Bliss. Sometimes you want to get off, and you do. But one bad moment pulls you back on that ride. It's good, if only for a little while. That piece of ease is the promise booze makes. You'll feel way better than where you just were. You hold on to that moment for as long as you can. But it always goes away, and the shit that was your life is back.

Get off that ride... please.

Emotional Architect

My friend Kristen inspired this...

Let's be consistently excavating, digging deep for insight. Expose the levels and multiple layers. Reveal your psyche, show us the genuine article of who you are.

It is a long process, a life's work. 

We shape who we become by the forces we engage with in our years. They influence, inspire, destroy, uplift, and knock us down; we willingly let them color in our design.

Be ready for the day, should it come, when you realize the facade you've built is not what you are comfortable with. Be prepared to remove rot, change the colors to bright, open the walls up so you can breathe... finally. To one day be the you, the creation of your own design.

That day you will have built who you have always wanted to be. You'll know because living in your skin will come naturally, and be comfortable. Your exterior won't be brittle anymore, it will be strong. 

Because no one, and I really mean no one, will be allowed to decide who you are anymore.

Adaptable You

www.sharemafia.com

"A simple definition of life - Being able to adapt to everything until you just can't anymore."

Susi Bocks

Do Goodness

sustainabletraditions.com

In the moment of someones need, offer a spark of hope. Be a catalyst for good, whatever shape that may take. It's in the hesitation or absence of fulfilling their need which sends them deeper into their despair.

Susi Bocks