Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thanks for...

These are memories that cropped up not only today, but have throughout my year. They remind me I have experienced many moments in life I'm grateful for. Some of you will recognize yourselves as the contributor to my happiness, others who gave me pain. I say these things with cheer, with love, with irony, with sarcasm and with pain. Because that's what life is full of and what we all experience.

To you who shaped my life, thanks for...

  • that time when you pulled me into sunlight to give me warmth.
  • leaving me in the dark to find my own way.
  • lovingly looking up at me and melting my heart.
  • cutting the cord gently.
  • telling me you loved me when it hadn't come easy to do so for years.
  • never giving me the love I deserved.
  • having my back in difficult situations.
  • teaching me to fend for myself.
  • those moments with you when I laughed until I couldn't breathe.
  • those moments about you when I cried until I couldn't breathe.
  • letting me heal when I was hurt.
  • watching me bleed.
  • coming back full force into my life.
  • making an exit I never saw coming.
  • the thousands of hugs and kisses I've had over my lifetime.
  • the distance between us.
  • dance sessions that seemed to last forever.
  • long naps with big arms and warm blankets.
  • saving my sorry ass from financial ruin.
  • just taking, and taking, and taking from me.
  • teaching me how to love well and openly.
  • showing me how 'your love' will just hurt.
  • appreciating me.
  • taking advantage of me.
  • digging into my aching muscles.
  • for being the one who creates the tightness.
  • out of the blue sending me a private message the day I needed comfort and support.
  • publicly calling me out to tear me down just a little bit more.
  • spending your time with me, teaching me your wisdom.
  • contributing absolutely nothing.
  • gifting me with a love for learning.
  • those moments you ingested nothing.
  • ease of our relationship.
  • the hard-knock life.
  • helping me achieve the level of comfort I enjoy today.
  • those with their accessorized lifestyles who look down on everyone else beneath them.
  • lifting me up with kind words.
  • shutting me down with your hatred.
  • being honest with me, always.
  • lying to me on more occasions than I can count.
  • the intelligent, passionate and spirited debates we've had.
  • closing your mind to finding truth and reality.
  • your good nature and naivete.
  • your bigoted willful ignorance.
  • introducing yourself and sharing your story with me.
  • hiding who you are from the world.
  • teaching me how to snark, and to cull the bullshit from the truth.
  • the biting comments intended to hurt.
  • your smile that's meant for only me.
  • the attitude when it's not warranted.
  • long lunches and good conversation.
  • always saying 'let's get together' and then... nothing.
  • telling me you love who I am and what I'm about.
  • tearing me down when you don't even know me. 
  • giving me life.
  • not preparing me for it.

This list is incomplete, there are millions more emotions, life experiences and moments I've captured in my head. These are just a few that have somewhat influenced me and what I've become.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Life Burns

The cycle of bad started September 2012 when I was diagnosed with heart disease and received three stents to curtail suffering some immediate problems with this most precious organ, my heart. Since that time, multiple situations have arisen for me, life-altering and at times mind-numbing. I've gotten gently, but also harshly reminded that life sucks with what feels like some superficial first degree burns all the way to those deeply debilitating and scarring third degree ones. Throughout all those moments, I have hoped what I have shown the world is a mature acceptance that bad shit happens to us all, and that I have the resolve and the courage to continue through the struggle. At least, I tell myself that I am strong, and I will go on in spite of what is happening to me or around me. And with each occasion I prove that, I am doing it. But I'm getting worn out. 

In addition to the daily grind kind of frustration we can encounter, the last two years have dealt me having to go through the death of both my parents (and not easy deaths either, both were taken off life-support), a betrayal by a family friend, loss of my husband's job, a new business start-up and quick demise thereof, financial losses due to a failed business, dysfunctional family issues that border on chronic, a community that rejects this loud-mouth, the one year + it took me to be offered a job, friendships lost, a seemingly endless string of betrayals in personal situations and the emotional upheavals that inevitably accompany these situations; all this damaging my psyche to the point of disturbing my peace and equilibrium... well, I really want to have a respite. And more than just a few months before the next crisis hits. I think I really need a long string of good fortune and calm.

I can't help thinking what happens when the next big bad thing happens to me. My reserves are too low to withstand much more. Or will this be the one that does me in, be the sixth degree burn? How much more does life want to keep dumping on me? 

Enter the pitiful feeling of defeat and woe is me display of emotion.

Slapping myself into a pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep moving attitude now... and I go on.

Just like the scale of degrees, recovery occurs better when the burn is less severe. Let's hope the fire isn't too out of control next time.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Life Well Spent

At the end of the day, I want to be exhausted by the best life can offer me, not the worst it will throw my way.

Aiming for maximum pleasure while diligently eliminating extended frustration.

It's a daily goal, and one I will gladly work very hard at achieving.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Longing For The Past

Uninvited days past appear at the door of my present.

They push inside to fill the heaviness in the room. A smile begins to form across my weary face. 

Uninhibited laughter, passionate entanglements, mundane and easy tasks; all flickering a pretty picture.

Actively watching the gloriously faded memories now vividly replaying in my mind.

But the door closes eventually, and I'm again fully toiling in the sorrow 
which summoned another life.

Tears, uninvited, fall silently. The wetness glazes over the joy. Images from a previous time return for safe-keeping until my mind summons them... yet again.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Beautiful Pain

"Pain is what creates my music."  Pink

I'm a big fan of the creative genius that flows out from her mind. She's talented, open, free, loud, intelligent and so human. Her pain translates the intricacies of human nature; shows us our own flaws in her experience and offers up the solutions for peace. Thank you, Pink!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Eternal Life Exists, Always Has

I really won't ever die. I can't. Life doesn't die, it just changes how it presents itself.

My beginning, my current state and my future began in a past I've never experienced. I give thanks to where I came from, contributing valuable pieces of me to my present and determining what I will become as time continues to pass. The compilation called me, the fabric of my being - even when that life expires, goes on to exist in a different form of life.

So I'm here now, I always have been and I will continue to exist. Elements of what and who I am/was/will be, live on and on, now and forever, in an infinite number of versions of me. I am life and I am eternal.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Lover, Are You Listening?

sqacct7 on
I don't want someone who adores me. Or puts me on a pedestal, and claims they can't live without me. 

What I crave and what I need is someone who knows themselves or, at the very least, is trying to figure out what makes them tick. If they seek to create a relationship outside of themselves, it only enhances their persona; it doesn't define who they are.

If I go down that path of bringing someone into my world, I desire people who first want to know me and then take the time to actually do that. When that someone eventually understands my thought process, a strong bond ensues as my intellect and my body are piqued in arousal, demanding fulfillment and satisfaction. Complete abandon occurs when their humanity matches my own.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Removing The Agitation

There are a million things going on, ten thousand projects to finish, so many different tasks to be completed; the frenetic emotions leaving you exhausted as you try to tackle all things seemingly at once.

It's anxiety producing and maddening.

I realize I am only a decision away to not feeling that state of mind. It's a defiant act in the face of the overwhelming. And it is calm recaptured.

Today I say to myself  "To all the responsibilities - I will get there when I'm done with what has my focus right now." A forced slowing down of energy, honing in on the detail of what's in front of me at that moment. I will not be rushed away from the beauty of bringing all my attention and effort front and center to what currently has me in its clutches.

My best doing means I'm invested, connected, and deeply involved with each task, and committed to its completion; the beckoning noise of all that's still left to do elsewhere is silenced.

When I choose to quiet the other commotion wanting to intermingle, I'm rewarded with sanity and the task masters gain their desired end result. Everyone benefits, no one is a loser.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Target of Your Rage

Thoughts not expressed remain imprinted on the canvas of your heart and the crevices of your brain. Your body absorbing 
more and more.

Holding it in, holding it back... a recipe 
for an emotional hot mess. 

Please share, it's easier to protect myself from a misting rather than a deluge.

Jostled About

The clip from the movie American Beauty suggests this life is impacted by a benevolent being or god and he sends a message... through a plastic bag. Life is inherently beautiful even in the most meaningless ways.

My take-away from this clip and many other occasions when I've encountered plastic bags floating along the winds and bumping into obstacles, redirected with each collision is that in many ways many people bounce along in their lives waiting for that inevitable event to set the direction for the next step to take.

I've lived through some of those people. It always reminded me of being taken for a ride, blind-folded, to an undisclosed location rather than being the driver expecting to arrive at a certain destination of my choosing. These people are being thrown about every which way, not having the strength to defend against all the assaults they encounter. Life happens to them rather than them taking a good hard look at life and telling it what the expectations of that relationship means to them.

My journey may try to impact me, and I will feel the blows, but the only thing that shifts about my presence in this world is a deep resurfacing of my resolve that I will not deviate from the course I plot; I will stabilize and I will maintain... and I will arrive.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Audience of One

Van Renselar
Pictures and scenery from years gone by flash before my eyes as I'm laying here on my deathbed. I'm simultaneously smiling and crying, wishing to be back in those memories as a more willing participant rather than just as a casual observer.

Who would have ever thought that desire to experience those times again would creep into my psyche. Weren't those experiences hard the first time? Now laying here I realize, accepting this unfulfilled life is much harder to endure than all the things I had to go through while I was still young or even middle-aged.

Before withering away to my end, I had only watched the days go by without me really participating in them or enjoying sharing good times with others. Now, it's an even lonelier existence. A hospital bed and my dreams to give me my only real comfort now; closing my eyes make me an audience of one to my past.

I experience a rare joy when nurses or doctors come to call. I can smile a bit with them, forget the sadness I feel. Then they leave and once again I am by myself, alone with my physical pain and my emotional sorrow. The tears flow silently, streaking my face like tiny little rivers through the cracks of my aged appearance.

Looking up, the ceiling offers no hope for some sort of release and I find the only way to escape this dreary loneliness is to sleep and join those characters that brought me what was, in hindsight, the most joy throughout my life. Experiences that I didn't really know how to appreciate or even understand at the time. Simple pleasures like just being with someone I cared about and truly enjoying the time spent together. Looking at the sunset and its beautiful shades of color as it dipped down below the tree line. Feeling the wind blowing and licking my skin with its light, feathery touch. The little tingles of love and appreciation I should have felt when my children looked at me adoringly. If only I had taken the time to really let all those good things resonate in me deeply. If only I had been an active participant in my life while I had the chance... then maybe the sadness now wouldn't be so profoundly devastating.

I built a lifetime of feeling alone and preoccupied. Connecting to my existence, fully engulfing my experiences could have... oh, they would have... made for a richer take-away than what I chose to be left with at that time. So now I'll exit this world with only memories, their impact and meaning only now being revealed; a lesson of life learned much too late.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Living Who...
It doesn't matter what label you adorn yourself with; your identifiers don't tell the whole story. They are only who you think you are and what you represent during your time on this earth. What you show us through your actions will be the message the world receives loud and clear; bordering on screeching when what we encounter doesn't match up with what you are telling us. Consider it a success if you can fulfill your own needs without impacting others negatively or dismissively, as most of us do leave marks on others.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Aching To Be Heard

Beautiful Minds

Not just to be heard, but being completely understood is also a strong desire. Many times we keep so much inside because we are afraid of not making any sense or clearly defining the deeper meaning of our thoughts filling our minds.

The struggle to find one's voice in a world filled with such variation and understanding is intimidating. But having the courage to go against the discomfort adds a certain depth and value to your life, a level of satisfaction within yourself is attained where previously there was none.

Many times we forget that the stories are what makes life interesting. Please don't agonize, share yours with us.

Friday, March 21, 2014

The Acceptable Version of My Mom

                   Mutti II

                         I’m here for you.  I will…
love you,
care for you,
respect you,
admire you,
help you,
understand you,
listen to you,
guide you,
                                   and basically do all the
                         things I should have done before.
My mom died in November, 2012. I hadn't seen her in a decade. A few years before her death I found a miniature doll that looked like her and outfitted her quasi-doppelganger with a t-shirt bearing the above image and words. The reason for the doll was to have some type of motherly figure that finally (symbolically) gave me what I had needed, and also showed what I lacked during my formative years. 

She always thought she provided these things. She was deluded. Even when there was evidence of her doling out something of value it was quickly nullified by another act of neglect. She gave me life and then promptly forgot her world was now enhanced by another being with needs. Her own selfish ones still seemed to rule her behaviors.

It took many years, many tears and an awful lot of hard work and struggle to get through what went wrong in my childhood. But in the end, I knew I was on the right track of my life despite how I grew up; I had gotten through it and was even thriving in my adulthood. The big fissures in my psyche had grown together, almost healed. Her death actually helped provide the rest of the closure, the cracks disappeared. Welcome to my complete recovery from not-so-hot parenting. 

Maybe she was a brilliant mother after all?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

One Life: It's Worth Living Fully

I only needed to be born once to appreciate that life only has meaning if you really live it.

Take on the new experiences that come your way and forcefully engage with them all. Make meaningful decisions and take the necessary risks to escalate your safe zone into an arena which will stretch your talents to new heights and levels of understanding. Get the zest out of the unknown to add more flavor to your life. Breathe in challenge and experience satisfaction and victories you might not have known otherwise.

Stay focused, engage with enthusiasm, be positive and don't ever shake off the well-being you have given yourself. When you said yes to life, you gave yourself permission to be in control of what you put out into the world. Your desire for pleasure and substance created the mixture you are now immersed in; the tonic called 'living your life to the fullest!'

And may you always drink heavily from that cup.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Novaturient - Be New, Be Improved

Real change begins to show in and around us when we thoroughly embrace a willingness to see it develop. Pain frequently precedes
 that change, being the 
catalyst for good.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Post Un-Intention
Your actions were unintentional...
they hurt anyway.

You said you would never do this intentionally,
That would make you a monster.

Your integrity was lacking, just like your apology.
My will is lacking now, and my disappointment is immense.

Your unintentionally created abyss is deep.
I don't know if we'll survive the fall.

You're looking up for redemption,
I'm looking down deeper into the hole where you left me.

You say you'll do anything,
Then do the right things... intentionally.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Eventually There Are No More

"Life is a never ending to do list."
Susi Bocks

It really is. Even for those who aren't list makers like me, we all have daily tasks and they will not end until people physically expire. Showering, dragging a toothbrush across your teeth (hopefully more than once in your life), eating and eliminating; all of it must be done. If you are not doing at least these things, you aren't living or at the very least you're not very hygienic.

I like having lists to follow. It feels like the end of the day is a good one when every item I entered on my calendar and in my notes has been completed. Most people don't get that same satisfaction, but it still is true that life really is a list of its own; one for you to accomplish as many things as you can before you go.

My wish for you is that you fill your lists with many worthwhile events to experience along with the monotonous ones. Make those exciting ones your priority and I'm guessing you'll slide into the end zone of your life with a big smile on your face instead of just awaiting its eventual approach.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

We'll Get There

"Creating beautiful movements is often quite a clunky journey. 
You have to be very open and honest with the other person."

The Australian Ballet

Reminds me of emotional relationships. They also require going through some awkward stages in order to perfect a beautiful solidarity, along with riveting and endearing moments. It is all only achieved through openness and honesty.

The Unease In The Loud... The Calm in The Quiet

Quiet, requesting quiet   

Not always achieving it.


... repetitive thoughts
... loud, angry, ignorant and stupid voices intruding on my space
... heavy machinery pounding, scraping, banging
... dealing with... any and all problems that come my way
... cars honking, people shouting, children screeching
... hectic ambulances hurrying by, police sirens blazing loudly

All I want is tranquility... peace... and quiet.

Shutting it all out now, opening up into another realm of consciousness...

Intentionally, purposefully and driven to achieve a deep level of down-time for my sanity.

The focus on serenity, on relaxation, listening to the whispers of quieting nature takes me there.

Welcome back all the pieces of me strewn about, put back whole inside of me now.

The soothing quiet lifts me buoyantly and gracefully to a place of gentle stability... mind and body connecting once again. Unease replaced by the calm in the quiet... strength restored.


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Anticipating Possible Anguish
Becoming a parent, I took my duties seriously to be there for my kids, whatever the situation. Their comfort, their health, their happiness (although I'm not responsible for it, I hope I contributed to it), their well-being - it was all what I was responsible for while they were under my care. My birth plan included their successful transition from a tiny human being inside of me to a full grown adult out in the real world. I was responsible for them being the best individuals they could be our society and preparing them how to use the knowledge I imparted while they were under my care.

When my kids were young, I knew bad things could happen to them. And they did. I prepared to deal with every crisis and be the support they needed to get through. And I was. For every bruised knee and scraped arm they dealt with; band-aids, care and kisses made them all better. A bucket, Tylenol and a heating pad were ready for those times when riding it out was really the only thing going to make their illnesses better. For all the things they encountered, I was there. And I always will be.

The most horrifying thought that they might die before me is something I've given some thought. My opinion, my gut feeling and my intentional reflection took me to places that were emotionally charged on the one hand, but also to a space that offered a rational acceptance of that possible event. And I vacillated mightily between the two states of mind.

I've said publicly that I would lose my way a little and my reality would never be the same while adamantly proclaiming everyone has tragedies, they deal... I deal... especially now more than ever before... so, it will be hard, but it will eventually be OK. Even while consciously, although privately, running scenarios to be mentally prepared for it, I still didn't know how I would really deal with the possibility that I might survive my kids. It is a daunting reality to have to accept and one I'm not sure that I'm really able to process.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not worrying about the eventuality of this type of an event. It's just a thought that periodically crosses my mind, and especially when I see friends having to deal with this situation. I see their pain and I wonder to myself, as a human, how would you respond?

I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know how I will handle that situation. No one really does until it actually happens to them. Predictions or reflections about what it will mean to me or anyone are fruitless. One thing I do know, for that very reason, is why I'm scared about death not reaching me before something truly awful happens to my kids. The big what if? scenario. That's really where all my fear is coming from. Knowing that I don't know if I will make it through without my kids and what my quality of life will be should it happen. It is a pretty scary prospect to imagine a world without my kids in it.

So for my own sanity, I will do my best not to be inquisitive and leave it alone. Peace is the objective, so fear does not have a place in my thought process. Inquiry into the unknown for better understanding, sure. But senselessly torturing of yourself with a scenario or imposing a reality into a situation that might not happen just doesn't make any sense. And I'm all about making sense of things.

I'll just leave it at possible anguish to come. In the meantime, though, I will be entirely grateful that they are here in my world and my visit isn't over yet.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy Next Day

Late in the year 2010, I decided being vocal was a priority for me. It's helped my life become more manageable, satisfying, unstoppable... just a few of the benefits. My hope and wish is that everyone feels safe enough in their skin to be honest about what is in their head, sharing emotions they are experiencing and discussing the crisis' that need addressing. Talking only leads to solutions where there are problems, answers where before there were only questions and positive direction where before there may have been none. Does talking always give us what we want - no, but it is a good tool that gets us unstuck from experiencing only pain, doubt and confusion; hesitation holds us back from living. The things we keep inside are only one perspective and many times can be the wrong interpretation of events. If we only obsess in our own heads we may never understand the reality of a situation.

"Say what you want to say, let the words fall out, honestly, I want to see you be brave ..."

I'd like to share my world with more of you brave characters. Start today, it's never too late to show us who you are.