Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Not Waiting For...

... you to be all in. You don't know how.

... your approval. I don't require it, but it would have been nice.

... the respect I deserve. You haven't a clue what that means.

... your call. I've moved on.

... a sincere apology. Because sincerity is not your strong suit.

... your interest. You never were curious.

... acceptance. Who needs the feigned kind?

... your love. It's not genuine anyway.

Not waiting for any of it because it will never come.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Adaptable You


"A simple definition of life - Being able to adapt to everything until you just can't anymore."

Susi Bocks

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Do Goodness


In the moment of someones need, offer a spark of hope. Be a catalyst for good, whatever shape that may take. It's in the hesitation or absence of fulfilling their need which sends them deeper into their despair.

Susi Bocks

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

I'm a Natural Beauty...

... because of the things I do, the way I contribute. 

Beauty is in action.
What we do and how we treat each other.
It's ideas commanding positive change. That doesn't require a certain look. 
The mindset we bring to the table is we won't settle for "ugly" in our actions outward.
So change the dialog...

It's time we stop looking at people as if how they appear somehow matters, really. Looks don't mean anything! Who a person is and what they do reflects more about their beauty. 

  • Does your presence put people at ease?
  • Do you engage with others? 
  • Accept their humanity?
  • Does your beauty reflect back at you when you're on the right side of an issue?
  • Are you there for people in any way you can be or however they need you to be?

I want a different world which speaks a new language. Changing how we superficially view ourselves can be the start of it.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Sabotaging My Happiness

There are moments when pure joy is a part of my day, but it doesn't seem to last long. I've always wondered why it didn't. Over the years I've realized many times I've prevented myself from a continued enjoyment of those moments. "But why?" I would always ask myself. The only thing I could come up with was I may not have believed I was worthy of happiness, and so, found ways to ensure that it was short-lived.

After reading this quote by Albert Camus, I had to rethink that. My inability to sustain happy moments or my subconscious wish to cut my happiness short may really just be my nature. I'm a very empathetic person, as well as having an activist bent about me. This, quite possibly, keeps me thinking I can't have prolonged happiness if those around me aren't experiencing it. The self-sabotage may be subconscious guilt.

It's odd. Discovering this one thought written by someone long ago, before I was born, has the power to change how I will perceive and react to future happiness. But finding it may also be a wonderful gift to me.

Thank you, Albert Camus.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

To Feel The 'Just Right' Amount Of Good

Life is an ever changing and incredibly delicate dance. Hopefully we can find the
balance between our desire for comfort and the feeling of safety while we go
 about enjoying life to the fullest with excitement and enthusiasm.

To always be able to have what we need and go for what we want.

Susi Bocks

Monday, October 12, 2015

Hate On The Inside


 “Without tolerance the world would be in constant chaos. There would be conflict with everyone’s opinions and cooperation would be impossible. With tolerance, the world is able to work together peacefully for common goals. We can be altogether happier without the constant friction of differences in our beliefs. We can share our beliefs and gain more knowledge of one another objectively, thus creating a mutual understanding of the world and greater cultural awareness. Tolerance is the only way to achieve peace in the world.”  Alissa Herman

There are many who hate. Their disgust for others is hidden by their quietness. It's not tolerance, it's cowardice and insecurity. They lack the confidence in themselves, only erupting in moments where they think they have strength in numbers. The anonymity of the Internet protects them while they douse and let those they are truly not tolerant of have it. This makes them feel powerful in their pitiful worlds.

We are upset to see what others have to say on social media and in other forums, but who hasn't uttered in their minds the nastiest things about others? Aren't we sometimes expressing the very same things, but just not in public? But we'll share them with those closest to us who feel the same. Don't certain issues dredge up emotions and expletives, but ones we choose to keep inside? Aren't we truly just as disgusting as they are, but less honest, really?

I would posit we are. It's an acceptable form of assholery. People choosing to behave more civilized outwardly to keep chaos and raw brutality to a minimum makes it a more desirable behavior though. When biting our tongues makes us analyze our thought process to establish new streams of understanding, this a positive. It makes our internal vileness tolerable in our communities because it's unspoken and not seen. It won't contribute more to the problems we face, and it is a step towards true civilization and humaneness.

Tolerance is the conduit to enlightenment and harmony.

I've been told we'll evolve someday. We are not there yet, but I hope we never stop trying.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Be Loud!

Don't EVER let anyone tell you to live your life quietly.
Susi Bocks

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Trysts In Dreams

I stir, aroused by the return of past fiery life episodes. The intensity of the morning awakening revives exquisite sensations and feelings, I'm in awe of the desire which returns me and deposits me back into my past.

The pull of his gaze, a finger tracing my mouth and drawing me closer to his lips. A soft, warm wetness, mine mixing with his. Each kiss, tender and fierce, hastens our breath. There's an urgency, a tension demanding release, but craving so much more before it comes.

Our hands brush across each other, clutching then releasing at the subtle moments. Sighs and moans escape our lips when the gentleness or coarseness reaches a threshold in our bodies. Arching our bodies, pressing closer, the bulge of desire wanting to be cupped. It all feels so quick, but in slow-motion at the same time. The haze of excitement moves us, our bodies following an unscripted dialogue, but knowing exactly what to say.

We explore with our eyes, and undress each other with our hands. Our clothing is our only barrier, so much is already understood - the hunger to taste each other, the desire bound tightly until the right moment it can escape, the secret carnal needs - all are free in this moment.

Our tongues speak the language of sensuality, experiencing color in what we taste. The room feels engulfed by us, our red-hot fluidity. We vibrate with the energy of our imminent coupling. Every cell in our being is aroused with anticipation, every hair prickles with electricity; our bodies in tune to receive what the other has to give.

Deliciousness and moans escape our lips as our limbs intertwine, feeling the smoothness of our skin as we embrace deeper into one another. Oh the strength as our muscles tighten around each other, neither leaving intensity behind. The excitement builds, and the urgency to satisfy rises up in us both. We are open and ready now. Our passion is strong, our desires need expression.

Our eyes meet each other hungrily, penetrating the depths of our beings. It sends us deeper into our own emotional hot bed inside, the tryst becomes more and more intense. The intuitive knowing what needs touched and when delivers us to even more heights. What feels like invisible fire engulfs us both as we aim to reach the crucial element of our desires.

And then I wake up...

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Intrinsic Victory


"It's not success just because I've met others expectations. I've achieved it because 
what I understood about myself 
to be true was realized."

                              Susi Bocks

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The Competition Is Over


When I look in the mirror now, I see the beauty within and on the surface of the creation which was initially out of my hands.

It wasn't always that way.

"You're so fat."
"Can't you be smarter?"
"Just stop, I'll do it. You're doing it wrong!"
"You're not good enough!"
"Why can't you do better?"
"Only angry people are crazy!"
"No one will want to date you."
"You're so stupid!"
"Can't you do anything right?"

The words were repeated often enough and fell easily into my psyche, stuck there for a long time.

I never realized when I was younger it was a sick and twisted game initiated by someone who was supposed to just love me. I didn't know how to maneuver a win against someone I looked up to. The person who made me feel low and afraid to achieve had an agenda which my tender years didn't understand. I was competition, and it elevated her every time any one of those statements were uttered. She, being the winner every time. Me, the loser.

Or so I thought.

Today I'm filled with confidence in my being, a fierce determination to exist exactly the way I want to be, have an appreciation for myself which was non-existent before, and hold the strong position that I am just right. My body image was extremely poor and to this day I don't think I see what others do, but I'm probably three-quarters of the way there to loving my body exactly as it is.

I don't need to compete with the ghost anymore. Who I am and how I look was already winning.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Deviant Bent

I don't know what you like.
You don't know what I like.

The head thinks it's normal,
society thinks it's wrong.
What you prefer feels good to you,
but exposing it is dangerous.

When you're absorbed in their unnatural,
it feels good.
Back to reality now,
back to bland.

What's right and what's wrong?
Your inner circle doesn't care.
But the outer structure is in control,
and you hide.

The Internet says it's ok.
My friends say it's ok.
I feel like it's ok... privately.
But the judgment is real.

We'll keep hiding in our world of normal.
Some of us.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Good Shit Happens Too


The goal is having better things in life happen more often than a need for a distraction from the crap life will inevitably hand me from time to time.
                                                                        Susi Bocks

Monday, August 10, 2015

Leave Me Weak

You know what I'm talking about.

We've all wanted that passion.

The one which makes you forget about the previous moments, and wish your future would never arrive. Meaning comes from staying suspended in what feels like an eternal envelopment of being left breathless and out of control, but your body is on automatic. It's an intuitive knowing of what comes next.

And feeling every bit of what is oh so right. You get there together. No instruction required. It's a deafening silence, the frenetic dance of passionate lovers.

Don't we all want to be left on the edge of what feels like our personal destruction, but yet blends us together in moments which seem to occupy a bigger space?

I do.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Feeling Real

During those brief, but distinct little moments of clarity...

you'll find your sanity waiting there for you.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Crap Words and True Deeds


We tell people what we want them to think about us. 

We show people who we really are.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Don't Leave Your Life To Chance

"Wishing for change is expecting someone else to take care of it.

We all know how well that usually works out."

Susi Bocks

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Whatever You Do, Take Charge Of Your Life

"Don't allow yourself to be limited by the dismal outlook of others. They aren't the deciders of your future."
                                                                  Susi Bocks

Friday, July 17, 2015

Figuring Out People




Bottom line - you have everything in front of you, keep your eyes wide open. What comes out of their mouths has to match their behavior.

Beware of mendacious humans.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Lovers, Their Damage

Endings... good or bad, I've suffered. And still...

I'm caged right now by my past experience, wrestling with current thoughts or desires.

Needs arise when the past introduces itself into my present. Deep aching ensues.

Inner turmoil. Will it finally pass?

Will it?

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Breathing In, Breathing Out

j. gira


  • determination
  • adventure
  • tolerance
  • balance
  • calm
  • kindness
  • compassion
  • independence
  • confidence
  • peacefulness


  • aimlessness
  • fear
  • hate
  • chaos
  • nervousness
  • cruelty
  • apathy
  • dependence
  • doubt
  • strife

The things you take in and adapt for yourself, adding to the foundation of who you are, these allow you to become the person you are aiming for. Letting go of those things which hold you back, however you achieve it, doing that will help you hit your mark sooner.

Life is an exercise of endless adjustments, large and small. How much we change depends on how much we want to gain.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Camouflaged Love

The hate, it comes in waves. You think that's all there is. There's more...

Underneath the hate is a love aching to be healed, and also to love again. Deeply. Better next time.

I buried my love for you, but you helped push it deeper down, and away from sight. Waiting for a rebirth.

Will it happen?
Is it possible to love again after so much pain?
Will I choose it or continue with my hate?

Achingly slow is the process to healing. One justified reason after another makes me take my time to resolve this pain.

Some I will never return to, their infliction was just too much to bear. Others will remain within my battlefield for a long time until there is no longer hate, but also no longer any love to speak of or feel. Then there are those who are worthy of me to gift again with my precious love. I or rather we, work together to remove the camouflage of hate.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

This New Day

I forge a determined path of beneficial destruction. Getting down to the business of leaving behind broken enemies, in-your-face liars, betrayers and the down-right unlikable. The self-empowered road stakes a claim on a sane future. I'm surrounded by genuine words, friends and actions.

Behold this better life... the one I am deserving of.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Thinking And/Or Feeling

"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel." Horace Walpole


I recently found an old diary of mine listing this sentiment as one of my all time favorite quotes. It was from my early adulthood. Over the years, I've recalled it on more than one occasion, usually not remembering all the words correctly. But it prompted an intentional reflection within me today. Where I had before agreed with it wholeheartedly, today I would say I have a different take on it. It's not so black and white as I had once thought.

Obviously I didn't know Horace Walpole personally to understand what motivated him to believe what he wrote, but he is entitled, based on his own life experience, to believe whatever he understood from it. Interpretation of anything hinges on experience, personality, maturity and influences. My take-away now simply would not mesh with his as it did in my past when I just took it as a simplistic viewpoint. Life has given me many more things to contemplate and ruminate about; it's just not that easy to put everything neatly and tidily in a box.

When I first read the quote, my own inclination to be empathetic immediately made me realize I was one of those feeling people he identified in his quote. I was the first to always reach out to calm, help out in any way that I could and show as much empathy as the situation required. At the time, this is what made me nod Yes! to his quote enthusiastically. I identified with the second part, that's why I agreed with it. The first part was just a confirmation of the second statement. Thinkers are more cerebral. So of course, they're not going to be mensches.

But after being on this earth for the last 50+ years, I've come to the conclusion that it's not an either/or situation. I've know too many people who are incredibly intelligent, but also have such an empathetic streak in them. I would count myself as a person who is logical, reasonable and always try to be as rational as possible, and my need to fix all of the wounds I see gaping is still something that is just as much a part of me as my intellect. Am I what Walpole would have deemed a thinker? I don't know what he considered intelligent or if he meant a thinker like a Stephen Hawking. But I'd like to think I am somewhat intelligent.

I would still accept there are many who lack empathy and are incredibly intellectual, just as there are many who are incredibly feeling people who lack intelligence. But I have to reconsider my initial interpretation and say now there is such a wide variety of human beings, and they can fall anywhere on the spectrum of having both or either of the capabilities of thinking and feeling. As well as, to what degree they project either of those qualities. It's a cornucopia of possibilities, and not so elementary as Walpole suggested.

After reading up on Walpole a bit, I've come away with the impression he may have been a bit cynical or just based his statement on a few experiences he had in his life. His interpretation influenced by similar and repeated encounters with people showing the same characteristics possibly led to his simple conclusion. Or maybe the thinkers he encountered weren't sympathetic to him? This would be one of those instances I wish I had a time machine to go back and make contact with him. It would be interesting to understand how he came to this conclusion which led him to express that thought.

Well, that will never happen in my lifetime, if ever. I'll just have to make due with my own thoughts on the matter. Who knows, maybe they'll change some more when I'm in my 80s?

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Pretty Ugly Liars

I wasted so many years on you. That I do regret.

Things would be so much better if people wouldn't lie to each other. The worst is when family looks you straight in the face and does it to you, and then acts like there's something wrong with you.

I got your number, I ain't never dialing it again. I don't talk to liars anymore.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

In That Moment

One wants to hold on to the sometimes elusive quality-filled emotions we experience. We know they feel like they will continue on forever. But they don't.

In that moment, it all feels right, smooth. All the jagged edges and kinks of your day have ironed out leaving you feeling silky and slinky all at the same time. You are feeling good, you are content, and you are wholly joy and happiness. It's as if this moment is the best moment you could ever experience.

Eventually, another moment comes along making you steer in a different direction all together. Someone has pissed on your parade, asked a stupid question, made you mad or any number of things that distract from that warm, content moment in time. It felt so brief, and almost not real anymore.

The next moment might take you right back to where you want to stay, or not. And that too glides into another moment. Maybe one of you being where you don't want to be, again. It feels like a chase to experience the next good moment, only to realize that we can't ever really hold on to it tight enough. It goes away.

But maybe it will come back again. Hopefully.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Existence Is Not Enough For A Conscious Mind

Yes... do survive, please. We want you here for a long time. Do whatever it takes to make it through to a ripe old age, but be sure to fill it with the stuff dreams are made of.

Your happiness depends on it. Really live through and revel in your relationships, your community, your job, and most importantly, your desires.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Showing The World Me

brooqqatar at deviantart.com
The world sees what I show them. What they see is their guide. But...

I'm crying on the inside... I'm dying. My face tells another story, one the world around me will accept. They won't have to coddle, fix, help heal or just love; they wouldn't want to. It's better this way, it's what I tell myself.

Cracking the exterior. Letting the reality out, watching the ooze of ill project upwards and letting it fill the air. It's scary, it's shame-filled and guilt-ridden. 

I imagine I'm exposed, people wouldn't understand. They wouldn't care, they wouldn't help. Belittling would occur, anger would present itself, I'm scared. I stop and go further in, deeper where it's safe. Right, again I lie to myself.

My despair deepens, the picture perfect is no longer untarnished. Moistened eyes remove the warm glow of feigned happiness. Deep dimples erased as frowns commandeer the territory of the face, tears creating a river following their natural path. And it doesn't seem to want to end. The flood gates have opened, I can't contain them any longer. I have to purge. I feel sick, I feel unable to control myself anymore. But it's necessary.

I was wrong, there are those who comfort me. They shield me while I let go of the hurt, the anger, the frustration. They hold me until it's all OK again. I'm back in the world that sustains me, my focus is clearer, my strength restored. 

My real friends surround me, I can go back and take on the world. 

Camouflage not necessary... anymore.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Calm Awaits

Life happens to us, mostly; entanglement requiring our effort happens when we feel driven to accomplish whatever goal, end result or need that comes up. I'd like to think I have life happen to me and give it the appropriate response. I see so many who would choose to deflect or ignore.

That's dangerous.

Responding to life, situations, people, whatever.... it's important. Many don't think so or they are afraid. Too much thinking, too much involvement, too much drama... they only believe it will end badly thereby relinquishing their contribution to solving it. Bullshit.

Ignoring, deflecting... that's the dangerous part.

Many times we don't address what happens to us individually because either life happens and we're overwhelmed or we've put something out there that comes back to us to attend to and we're afraid of the consequences. It's because we think it creates drama and more problems. But we must fix, address or take care of seeing that it receives a resolution. Otherwise, it will continue to rear its head, begging for closure.

Go there, do it... end it. Calm awaits.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Sanity Lost

Life was for the taking, you bit off less than you could have. Fear kept you trapped. Your journey was one of soothing, but numbing and boring repetition. Reaching out for new experiences, challenging that fear was impossible. Only mere moments captured some excitement, quelling and satisfying your deep yearning for more life.

It wasn't enough. You left this world unfulfilled.

I weep for you.

Monday, January 19, 2015

I Lose, I Triumph

Dark by Tithi Luadthong
I'm going to live a better, happier life than you deemed I was ever worthy of. Every time my name comes up I hope you choke on it with irritation. That's what you deserve, a life long aversion to the utterance of what once so easily came off your lips. I hope it makes your body fill with pins and needles whose friction tears you up on the inside. You, the creator of your own destruction. I walk away easily knowing you'll bleed from the inside. I am better without you.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

You're Always Here With Me

There's an ease in our relationship, a rich comfort even when our lives don't intersect. I've forgotten some of the history we've shared, but your impression on me has never diminished.

The essence of our relationship is and always has been encouragement whether near or far, involved or silent. We forged a bond a lifetime ago by being each other's heroes. Through our friendship, our experience of finding stability within each other gave us some peace from the turmoil we lived. The acceptance we found with each other for our individual personhood was something we both desperately needed; it was the first bit of strength we gave to each other. We added on to that foundation separately throughout our lifetime experiences to become the women we are today. Whole... finally, proud of who we are, living and enjoying the good things life has to offer, loving the people who deserve our love and fully enjoying who we are now.

I'd not realized until recently how much of an impact our childhood friendship had on me, and actually how much we mentored each other through those times. It was valuable to me.

We've discarded the broken shells we were a lifetime ago, and gone through some incredible situations since then but have not stopped showing life we're not going down without a fight.

I so do appreciate you sharing that part of you that I carry around with me always.

I thought you should know that.