I Crossed Into Darkness

Grief, sadness, anger, confusion - I drowned in it.
Adrenaline got me through.

Exhaustion and the after-effects of tragedy leave me numb.

My eyes are less wet now.
Thankfully not the torrents of before.

Overcoming the emotions crosses my mind. Likely not for some time.

I'm seeing the spectrum of human response being split off in ten thousand conversations.
More grief, sadness, anger, and confusion.

We all think we have the answers to all the whys and what-ifs, we don't; we just have more questions.

Chase one thought, a multitude more pop up to reflect on.

Mentally being banged up against a cerebral shoreline over and over again.
Each crash is opening a new wound.

It's draining, and it's dark.

Eventually, it will cease to have the hold on me but it doesn't change the fact my life feels less bright.

Real Conversations - #1 Sweet Relief

Me: I think I know what could help me with my change in eating habits.

You: Cool, how could I do that?

Me: Well, you know that I have a hard time resisting sweets. How about you take all the goodies you buy and put them in either a hidden place or a locked place, so I won't access them?

You: Why should I do that? How does that help you? Shouldn't you just learn self-control and just not eat the things that are bad for your goals?

Me: You and I are different. You could sit there and eat 10 chips or a handful of gummi bears and you're done. I, on the other hand, start with one and then the whole bag is gone. We're different and I'm asking for your help to solve this. Outta sight, outta mind kind of thing.

You: But then I have to go out of my way to enjoy my stuff. I'm not the one with the problem with self-control.

Me: Yeah, you're right. I am the one with the problem. I have an addictive personality and that's difficult to overcome. In addition, I also seem to be with a man who claims to want to help me when I'm struggling with something. But realistically it has to be convenient for him.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

"But I really do love myself!"

Sure you do. I hear that all the time. But I don't see very much of that self-love.

And it's a hard thing to do. I know. It took me many

 years to embrace myself lovingly.

Don't deny yourself the things which make you happy.

Do enjoy all that gives you pleasure and joy.

Don't let other's opinions hold you back from realizing your full potential.

Do find activities which contribute to your health and sanity.

Don't actively sabotage yourself and your happiness.

Do foster relationships with people who honor you.

Don't engage in things that harm you or your well-being.

Do follow through on your dreams.

I  Love You... Please Love Yourself

I Got You

"If love is knowing and accepting someone for who they truly are, and feeling

 the same in return, this is as visceral and connecting as it gets."

Julie Lynn

We're on the same page. I accept you as you accept me.

We're together.

I'm safe... so are you.

Life will not tear me down as long as I choose to protect you and me. 

I hope that means forever...

Life Is Deaf

heyjuana.tumblr.com

Crying out in an I Don't Care World. Your answer is silence. Crickets...
It doesn't pay attention, life just continues on.

Understand that. Know it. Try not to feel hurt by it. Keep moving... one foot in front of the other.

Strength can come again. Just let it. Don't let the indifference of life determine if you'll accept it.

Keep speaking despite the obvious disability of life. The beauty is when you hear the truth you need.

In reality, you never really needed life to be the teacher. You just needed to be the willing student.

Not Superhuman

I do not have my shit together. But the current situation is under control.

Susi Bocks

Shattering The Hold

Intensity laced with lunacy... it's seductively subliminal.

Past hurt swept away by the look masquerading as deeply in love... it's not love.

It's danger.

And it easily has you... if you are not careful.

The fiery element of psychological warfare playing out in the depths of your mind.

Don't be deceived by the charm of the snakes, the force of the demanding ones

or by the egos of those where clever observation never occurs.

They will hurt you. Maybe not right away, but they will.

The scars of learning are deep, and never healing.

See it before it gets a hold of you.

I'm Alone

deviantart.com

Your game doesn't include me.
It never really did.

You think you direct the outcome.
You don't.

The wheel was in your control for so long.
Not anymore.

I don't like the direction we're going.
It's not the destination I'd choose.

You need it.
I don't.

Go.

I'm really ok.

Don't Waste Your Time

viralsolutions.net

It's a struggle to define the concept of life, but imagine it's another word for time.

Contentment is not just accepting.

Acceptance is settling for things you didn't achieve.

Achieving creates happiness.

Happiness is living your life in your way.

If fully engaged in living life, that's action. You are not simply watching time go by. But you must decide if you are going to connect to who you really are. And especially, what you really want.

Life exists with you in it or not; every minute continuing to go by.

Your time is precious. Really.

In other words, YOU are precious; your LIFE is precious. Really.

Never Really Knew You

Shutterstock.com

You're a mystery to me, then and still.

I remember you, but I don't know you. Our interactions were few, my memories of you even less.

You were meant to be an important part in my life. It was what you chose to be. But that didn't translate. I was alone, without you being by my side or having my back.

The space you occupied you didn't share. Why? Did you just want to remain anonymous? Maybe revealing would have been too painful. Remaining secluded in your own private world where you felt safe was better for you.

I wanted to know you. But somehow I failed. No. You failed me.

I only got to see the outside you presented to the world. Was there more going on or really nothing at all? I wouldn't know. You didn't share yourself with me. I should have been one of the most important people to do that with. Didn't you like me or did you just not know how?

So many questions...

Did you achieve your goals? Were you satisfied with your life at all and especially at the end? I didn't know then or now. You were so quiet and not revealing of yourself.

Years you were in my life, and I didn't know you. Now you're dead to me.

There's no hope of ever knowing the real you now.

Such a waste of precious moments that were shared with you. They could have been spent on other people who wanted to foist their humanity into my space willingly and with good intention.

You don't feel like a loss because I never had you... really, ever.

The Way To Love

The Paper Wall

Love soothes, but only with genuine empathy.

                    Don't remove my struggle from my control.

                              Let me gain the knowledge I need to grow.

                                        Be by my side, watch me heal.

                                                  See the places where it takes me.

Love doesn't fix things. It just eases the conflict. 

                    Don't be the answer to my problems, my wannabe protector.

                              Be my companion on my own personal journey. 

                                        Enjoy my company, enhance my experience,

                                                  and inspire me by the path you take.

Love doesn't happen in a vacuum. It needs you and me, together.

                    Free from distrust, anxiety, worry, anger, and shame.

                              It's a warm place, filled with comfort and ease.

                                        It's a space where wholeness resides.

                                                  Our happy place, created together. 

                                                         

Love feels easy, but people are hard. They're complicated and stupid.

                    Don't sabotage a good thing, intentionally or unintentionally.

                              Remember I'm who you love; you know why you do.

                                        Fill any distance with kindness and care.

                                                  Especially those times when you're sad.

Love always wants more quality-rich lingering moments of sweetness.

                    Any effort on your part to provide them is cherished.

                              Your reward is acquiescence to almost anything.

                                        Comfort and pleasure is had by the both of us.

                                                  Don't hold back. Give me what I crave.

Love is required. And love is needed.                         

Bestie

www.wallconvert.com

I pay attention to your story. It's what a friend is supposed to do.

Unknown

Support, acknowledgement, and love... for you... always.

But the struggles you had when I wasn't there to ease you through, not working through your shit with you and being there to help you stay ahead of what else was coming your way... I'm sorry for that. :(

I'm your friend. Your need is my command... always.

I listen, but I also hear you. You are inside, forged into me so long ago.

Unknown

Best friend means I owe you as much adoration and acceptance as I give myself.

You deserve it.

Feeling So Many Different Directions Today

Artist Unknown

The day began like any other; the sunlight woke me up. I smiled really big.

Then I remembered I forgot it was supposed to be a very special day.

One filled with laughter, joy and a reverence for love... the usual for a day belonging only to us. But instead the hours flowed from one chore into the next accompanied by intense feelings which were both distant and reflective. There were tears too.

But it wasn't all bad. I daresay even uplifting. Good friends reminded me that I was special and deserving of their love. That was cause for happy tears.

I've heard it said that shopping solves nothing. This trip did though. Tonight it will be a comfort to me in so many ways. Let's hope it carries me through until the days are filled with less what ifs.

I cherish the special people making this day feel lighter. You helped, and I thank you for that.

And to those who made this day normal-seeming, I owe you a debt of gratitude as well. I got through it with less damage.

Tomorrow will begin again like any other day. And I'll smile really big again.

Hopefully, my feelings will stay the course.

I Won't Tell You "I Told You So"

*deep sorrowful sigh

I'm sorry. So, so sorry. 

I didn't succeed in saving you from your fate.

You're broken now. The trust is gone, and so are your reserves. Your faith in love is shattered. It seems utterly unbelievable to have made it to this place of darkness. But you're here now... and I'm hurting with you, dearest.

Oh pain, please just go away! Leave him alone. The agony is too much for tender shoulders to bear. Ease up... I beg you.

You'll get through this, people say. It doesn't feel like that when you're in the thick of it though. But know this... I'm here till the tears stop rolling, the deep ache subsides and the reality of moving on alone becomes easier to accept. Whatever you need, love... I promise.

I'm here for you. Always.

Elusive Bliss

www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/

"One is too many, and too many is never enough."
Susi Bocks

The angst falls away as soon as your drink of choice enters your bloodstream. What was once edgy is now smooth. You can take standing in this zone with a renewed sense of confidence. 

Until it begins to fade.

Time for the next drink, and the next, and the next...

Needing to feel at ease, wanting the pain to stop. That first drink takes you there, and the rest give you a false sense that everything will be fine. It's an endless cycle of feeling good and feeling like shit; being in hell is the outcome.

That's the roller coaster named Elusive Bliss. Sometimes you want to get off, and you do. But one bad moment pulls you back on that ride. It's good, if only for a little while. That piece of ease is the promise booze makes. You'll feel way better than where you just were. You hold on to that moment for as long as you can. But it always goes away, and the shit that was your life is back.

Get off that ride... please.

Emotional Architect

My friend Kristen inspired this...

Let's be consistently excavating, digging deep for insight. Expose the levels and multiple layers. Reveal your psyche, show us the genuine article of who you are.

It is a long process, a life's work. 

We shape who we become by the forces we engage with in our years. They influence, inspire, destroy, uplift, and knock us down; we willingly let them color in our design.

Be ready for the day, should it come, when you realize the facade you've built is not what you are comfortable with. Be prepared to remove rot, change the colors to bright, open the walls up so you can breathe... finally. To one day be the you, the creation of your own design.

That day you will have built who you have always wanted to be. You'll know because living in your skin will come naturally, and be comfortable. Your exterior won't be brittle anymore, it will be strong. 

Because no one, and I really mean no one, will be allowed to decide who you are anymore.

Not Waiting For...

... you to be all in. You don't know how.

... your approval. I don't require it, but it would have been nice.

... the respect I deserve. You haven't a clue what that means.

... your call. I've moved on.

... a sincere apology. Because sincerity is not your strong suit.

... your interest. You never were curious.

... acceptance. Who needs the feigned kind?

... your love. It's not genuine anyway.


Not waiting for any of it because it will never come.

I'm a Natural Beauty...

... because of the things I do, the way I contribute. 

Beauty is in action.

What we do and how we treat each other.

It's ideas commanding positive change. That doesn't require a certain look. 

The mindset we bring to the table is we won't settle for "ugly" in our actions outward.

So change the dialog...

It's time we stop looking at people as if how they appear somehow matters, really. Looks don't mean anything! Who a person is and what they do reflects more about their beauty. 

• Does your presence put people at ease?
• Do you engage with others? 
• Accept their humanity?
• Does your beauty reflect back at you when you're on the right side of an issue?
• Are you there for people in any way you can be or however they need you to be?

I want a different world which speaks a new language. Changing how we superficially view ourselves can be the start of it.

Sabotaging My Happiness

There are moments when pure joy is a part of my day, but it doesn't seem to last long. I've always wondered why it didn't. Over the years I've realized many times I've prevented myself from a continued enjoyment of those moments. "But why?" I would always ask myself. The only thing I could come up with was I may not have believed I was worthy of happiness, and so, found ways to ensure that it was short-lived.

After reading this quote by Albert Camus, I had to rethink that. My inability to sustain happy moments or my subconscious wish to cut my happiness short may really just be my nature. I'm a very empathetic person, as well as having an activist bent about me. This, quite possibly, keeps me thinking I can't have prolonged happiness if those around me aren't experiencing it. The self-sabotage may be subconscious guilt.

It's odd. Discovering this one thought written by someone long ago, before I was born, has the power to change how I will perceive and react to future happiness. But finding it may also be a wonderful gift to me.

Thank you, Albert Camus.

The Competition Is Over

deviantart.net

When I look in the mirror now, I see the beauty within and on the surface of the creation which was initially out of my hands.

It wasn't always that way.

"You're so fat."
"Can't you be smarter?"
"Just stop, I'll do it. You're doing it wrong!"
"You're not good enough!"
"Why can't you do better?"
"Only angry people are crazy!"
"No one will want to date you."
"You're so stupid!"
"Can't you do anything right?"

The words were repeated often enough and fell easily into my psyche, stuck there for a long time.

I never realized when I was younger it was a sick and twisted game initiated by someone who was supposed to just love me. I didn't know how to maneuver a win against someone I looked up to. The person who made me feel low and afraid to achieve had an agenda which my tender years didn't understand. I was competition, and it elevated her every time any one of those statements were uttered. She, being the winner every time. Me, the loser.

Or so I thought.

Today I'm filled with confidence in my being, a fierce determination to exist exactly the way I want to be, have an appreciation for myself which was non-existent before, and hold the strong position that I am just right. My body image was extremely poor and to this day I don't think I see what others do, but I'm probably three-quarters of the way there to loving my body exactly as it is.

I don't need to compete with the ghost anymore. Who I am and how I look was already winning.