Intrinsic Victory

mominmanagement.com

"It's not success just because I've met others expectations. I've achieved it because 

what I understood about myself 

to be true was realized."

                              Susi Bocks

The Competition Is Over

deviantart.net

When I look in the mirror now, I see the beauty within and on the surface of the creation which was initially out of my hands.

It wasn't always that way.

"You're so fat."
"Can't you be smarter?"
"Just stop, I'll do it. You're doing it wrong!"
"You're not good enough!"
"Why can't you do better?"
"Only angry people are crazy!"
"No one will want to date you."
"You're so stupid!"
"Can't you do anything right?"

The words were repeated often enough and fell easily into my psyche, stuck there for a long time.

I never realized when I was younger it was a sick and twisted game initiated by someone who was supposed to just love me. I didn't know how to maneuver a win against someone I looked up to. The person who made me feel low and afraid to achieve had an agenda which my tender years didn't understand. I was competition, and it elevated her every time any one of those statements were uttered. She, being the winner every time. Me, the loser.

Or so I thought.

Today I'm filled with confidence in my being, a fierce determination to exist exactly the way I want to be, have an appreciation for myself which was non-existent before, and hold the strong position that I am just right. My body image was extremely poor and to this day I don't think I see what others do, but I'm probably three-quarters of the way there to loving my body exactly as it is.

I don't need to compete with the ghost anymore. Who I am and how I look was already winning.

Deviant Bent

I don't know what you like.

You don't know what I like.

The head thinks it's normal,

society thinks it's wrong.

What you prefer feels good to you,

but exposing it is dangerous.

When you're absorbed in their unnatural,

it feels good.

Back to reality now,

back to bland.

What's right and what's wrong?

Your inner circle doesn't care.

But the outer structure is in control,

and you hide.

The Internet says it's ok.

My friends say it's ok.

I feel like it's ok... privately.

But the judgment is real.

We'll keep hiding in our world of normal.

Some of us.

Good Shit Happens Too

thebossholeeffect.com

The goal is having better things in life happen more often than a need for a distraction from the crap life will inevitably hand me from time to time.
                                                                        Susi Bocks

Leave Me Weak

Favin.com

You know what I'm talking about.

We've all wanted that passion.

The one which makes you forget about the previous moments, and wish your future would never arrive. Meaning comes from staying suspended in what feels like an eternal envelopment of being left breathless and out of control, but your body is on automatic. It's an intuitive knowing of what comes next.

gorgeouscompany.files.wordpress.com

And feeling every bit of what is oh so right. You get there together. No instruction required. It's a deafening silence, the frenetic dance of passionate lovers.

Don't we all want to be left on the edge of what feels like our personal destruction, but yet blends us together in moments which seem to occupy a bigger space?

I do.