The Acceptable Version of My Mom

            

                   Mutti II

                         I’m here for you.  I will…

love you,

care for you,

respect you,

admire you,

help you,

understand you,

listen to you,

guide you,

                                   and basically do all the

                         things I should have done before.

             J
My mom died in November, 2012. I hadn't seen her in a decade. A few years before her death I found a miniature doll that looked like her and outfitted her quasi-doppelganger with a t-shirt bearing the above image and words. The reason for the doll was to have some type of motherly figure that finally (symbolically) gave me what I had needed, and also showed what I lacked during my formative years. 

She always thought she provided these things. She was deluded. Even when there was evidence of her doling out something of value it was quickly nullified by another act of neglect. She gave me life and then promptly forgot her world was now enhanced by another being with needs. Her own selfish ones still seemed to rule her behaviors.

It took many years, many tears and an awful lot of hard work and struggle to get through what went wrong in my childhood. But in the end, I knew I was on the right track of my life despite how I grew up; I had gotten through it and was even thriving in my adulthood. The big fissures in my psyche had grown together, almost healed. Her death actually helped provide the rest of the closure, the cracks disappeared. Welcome to my complete recovery from not-so-hot parenting. 

Maybe she was a brilliant mother after all?